I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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