Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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