moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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