You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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