I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
