i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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