Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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