I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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