Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize