i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
