I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
