Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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