last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
