I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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