you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
