i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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