my phone needs a breathalizer
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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