my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Panties = found
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
