she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
