kristin has been a bad kristin
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
