I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We left the knife in your bed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
