Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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