My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
