I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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