my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
and you fell through a lawn chair
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
