I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
