if i can run in heels then i can drive
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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