Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
