I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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