allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
