You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
