Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The air was thick with penises
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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