Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
