I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
