I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
