the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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