Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
They have beer where we have blood.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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