every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
