you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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