Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
