And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
