I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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