Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
