OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
