I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize