I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
