im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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