i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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