Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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