I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
