my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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