My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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