nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
