it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
