The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
