hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
