how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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