Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
