Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
