The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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