So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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I just found a bag of teeth...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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